Sophomores Declare War In Effort to Displace Freshmen from Public Spaces

Commons —  Last Friday, tensions between sophomores and freshmen came to a head when a group of reactionary sophomores declared war against Thacher’s newest batch of toads. After spotting freshmen occupying the Commons, sophomores mobilized behind hollow ambitions of reclaiming a public space. “I can’t believe the freshmen would dare sit in a communal spot like that,” lamented one sophomore who felt all-out war offered the only solution. “Next thing you know, they’ll be studying there! They must be stopped!”

The sophomores’ illogical coercion marks the continuation of an ongoing geopolitical quagmire that occupies both grades for a brief period before they achieve self-awareness. The conflict, characterized by belligerent email correspondence and indignant scowls, is an emblem of thoughtlessness.  “We ought to put underclassmen in their place,” declared one sophomore, heedless of the fact he falls into the same category of ‘underclassmen’ he bemoaned.

In the past, both classes have elbowed for spheres of influence in the Library and Dining Hall, but more often than not resorted to saber-rattling. As tensions flared, however, the sophomores armed themselves with an air of profound entitlement. “Now that our lights out is at eleven, we deserve that space,” asserted a sophomore girl. “It only makes sense given the experience under our belts.”

The freshmen initially kept quiet, attempting to sidestep sophomores’ inflammatory declarations. Yet facing displacement, the youngest Thacher class has been forced to respond. “The sophomores leave us no choice,” said a joint statement released by both Casa and Lower School. “To stand idle in the face of this threat would be against all our irrational impulses.”

While sophomores have made their intentions clear, their words could reflect another case of petty chest-beating. When the sophomores directly faced the freshmen, their bellicose stance wavered. “I don’t know about you,” commented one sophomore. “But have you seen the freshmen? They’re so tall!”