The Dining Hall — According to reports by underclassmen familiar with the matter, a sophomore boy —who has chosen to remain anonymous— no longer feels a sense of gratification when placing half-eaten bacon scraps in the pig bin. “It’s not the same since that hog went missing,” the student lamented Wednesday morning. “I just don’t get that satisfaction anymore as I sadistically put bacon in the pig feeder.”
The sophomore’s disappointment comes in the wake of a campus pig’s baffling disappearance. The hog, whose identity has been confirmed as Piggie Smalls, has set members of the Environmental Action Committee into a scramble. Students and faculty have shared their confusion, forming search parties to hunt for the hog during Quiet Time.
Amidst campus bewilderment, the sophomore boy has remained solemn. “This really has been a sobering experience,” he confessed over breakfast. “Knowing my twisted actions only affect one pig is disheartening, to say the least.” Staring gravely at the bacon on his plate, he released a sigh. He added, “If this isn’t the sophomore slump, I don’t know what is.”
EAC members, who often struggle to prevent inedible items from entering the pig bins, have not been sympathetic to the sophomore boy. One of the EAC heads vocalized the committee’s attitudes: “It goes without saying. Making pigs eat bacon is socially and morally unacceptable, even for underclassmen standards.” EAC members have cautioned others away from similar behavior.
Despite warnings, the sophomore boy expressed optimism, hoping his acts of forced cannibalism could continue full swing in the future. “It may take awhile, but another hog is bound to come,” the boy stated. “It has to. Flouting all my ethics in exchange for a momentary and unseemly chuckle is the only reason I still come to breakfast check-in.”