Community Hell Bent on Rewarding Every Assembly Announcement with Standing Ovation

The Library Amphitheatre — According to new research conducted by a student-led committee, the Thacher community aches to honor every assembly announcement with their “warmest and loudest” applause. The new data suggests that  “without question, any Thacher students, faculty, or staff within earshot of an announcement immediately jump to their feet to begin clapping.”

The committee’s research, part of a multi-week investigation beginning in September, has raised the cover on a phenomenon that has gripped the campus for the last year. “You might think it makes no sense,” said the committee’s chair, a senior girl. “But we have reason to believe that the Thacher community has a compulsive drive to discard what little self-control they did have and shower all assembly announcements with roaring applause.” She added, “If someone steps on stage, you can guarantee they’ll leave to a fusillade of overly aggressive clapping.”

Other sources have confirmed the research’s results, claiming that even the most mundane and uninspiring announcements receive unbridled acknowledgment. This includes EAC, Thacher Notes, Robotics Club, and Sports announcements.  “It’s about community, you know?” offered one sophomore boy who participated in the study. “When a teacher announces to the entire school to meet one arbitrary student after assembly, I must abandon all common sense and jump to my feet like it’s game seven of the World Series.”

Despite the committee’s work, the Thacher community seems unwavering in their obsession with standing ovations. Last Friday, after a senior girl made an announcement about weekend opportunities for community service, her remarks were met with fierce applause, whistling, cheering, pyrotechnics, and a firm handshake from each member of the Board of Trustees. When asked about the incident, the student seemed shocked. “At some point, it’s a little much,” she said. “Don’t get me wrong, comserve’s great. But on an early morning Saturday? Half those people clapping will probably still be asleep.” ♦