Hi EAC! First of all, when I grow up, I want to be a tree. I’ve seen many trees in my time here at Thacher. I’ve hugged lots of them, too. I’ve formed strong relationships with them.
As a potential candidate, I have lots of unique attributes. I know the difference between the colored disposable bins on campus. Personally, I enjoy prowling near them and policing other students. Stop! Bacon does not belong in the pig bin! I especially like to hide in the bins and be one with the compostable elements. When students place recyclables in the trash, I strike. YOU’RE KILLING OUR EARTH! It’s my catharsis.
On weekends, I spend time with bees and chickens and pigs and nature. If I don’t, I start thinking about oil and coal and that makes me sad. I learned to appreciate nature after spending four years living in a hole. (I dug it myself!) There was no shower. It was okay, though, because water is scarce and that is a big problem I will solve as EAC head.
During big conversation, I use big words. ‘Sustainability’, for example. The more syllables the better. Sometimes I drop ‘eco-conservationism’ just to see how people react. The look on their faces! The words are challenging. They confuse me. But if I don’t use the words, who will?
I am a vegetarian.
EAC, let me tell you something: Scott Pruitt does not care about mother gaea. I do. That’s why I’m applying to be EAC head. I am merely the environmental pawn on the greater battlefield to reverse the tides of capitalism and greenhouse gases.
At any rate, I hope this application finds you well, EAC. My dream is to work for nature. If I cannot become a tree, I guess I will settle for a solar panel.
For purposes of anonymity, we have removed the applicant’s name.